Goodbye Big Brother, Hello Small Granny

Sometimes the fact that I’m a foreigner living in a small rural town with its share of small minded residents really hits home. There is no better illustration of this than an incident that occurred a couple of months ago to snowboarding buddy, Brandon. The following article is a true story; forget about Big Brother, it’s Small Granny who is watching you here.


Local Outrage in Hand Holding Incident

An English Teacher has brought disrepute to the foreign community after he was sighted holding hands with a Japanese woman only last week. The alleged incident took place at a cinema in Fukui city and has caused a shock wave throughout the community. Distraught onlookers watched in disbelieve as a western male emerged from a cinema in broad daylight whilst holding hands with an unknown Japanese female.

“It was horrible, I saw everything, first they were talking, and then he just held her hand and walked out, it all happened so fast” said one eyewitness, who was visibly shaken by the scene.

“We immediately called the police, but unfortunately the hand holder sped away in a yellow plate get away car” declared another onlooker, who was later treated for shock.

“It might be a little more understandable if this were Tokyo, but things like this just don’t happen around these parts, it’s normally such a nice neighbourhood.” commented an elderly film fan.

The investigators were soon hot on the heals of English Teacher, Brandon Wright. Twenty two year old Wright is already known to the authorities as a serial hand holder in his native country America, where hand holding is still legal. He was brought in for questioning by his superiors at his school this week but denied all charges. However, eye witness’ claim that Wright was at the scene of the crime, and since he has no alibi, he will have to face a disciplinary hearing with the Fukui Board of Education. Womaniser Wright has been sighted with a number of Japanese women over the last month, but this is the first time he has been spotted making hand to hand contact in public.

The English teaching community are still reeling in shock at the news. Many were too upset to comment but long time friend Fong Xiong had this to say: “I know Brandon is innocent - he would never hold hands with anyone, let alone a girl.”

However, neighbour Tania Gismondi was less surprised “He was kind of quiet, tended to keep himself to himself, I always thought he was the sort of guy that might hold hands with a girl”.

Local Grannies are now calling for more pressure on the government to stamp out the mixed race hand holding, and “shouldering” where the criminal puts his arm around the victims shoulder. “It’s revolting, and I won’t just stand by and let this hand holding destroy our women’s lives” said one distraught granny. “First it’s hand holding, next their pregnant; we cannot let these filthy foreign boys with their unnaturally large shlongs dilute the pure race of the Nippon”. Local grandmother vigilantes have formed a pressure group - Grannies against Gaijin (GAG), in response to this latest incident.

Mixed race holding of hands is punishable under Japanese law, and can lead to a prison sentence of up to six years, however GAG claim that it’s just not enough, and are calling for the death penalty to be reinstated for this particular crime. “It’s the only way we’re going to stop this sort of thing happening again”. They are also pushing for the legalisation of walking and cycling in the middle of the road, something which they have been actively campaigning for, for several years.

If found guilty Wright could face deportation, or even time at a hand holding correctional facility. However defence lawyers for Wright are confident that they will be able to spare him from prosecution on a handshake loophole. The case continues...


Though this article is somewhat ‘toungue and cheek’, the amusing, but alarming fact remains that an elderly Japanese lady genuinely believed that the holding of hands between a Western male and Japanese female was worthy of reporting to the Fukui Board of Education. In their defence, the incident was not taken too seriously, but Brandon was still grilled on the issue, as if he has committed a felony. So, as a foreigner in these sometimes backward parts, you have to be careful what you say and do because Small Granny is watching you.